The Middle of the Night

It’s currently midnight here and I’m laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. For the last few weeks I’ve been unable to fall asleep at my usual hour (this hour) and have reverted back to laying in bed for at least two hours before finally nodding off. Not just that, about a week ago my lucid nightmares came back and made me even less able to get a night of fitful rest. Even a sleep aid barely helps.
But I guess this is all happening because I’m so tired from working two jobs, not just my circadian rhythm was thrown off but my life’s entire rhythm was shot to high heaven by the abrupt changed in these couple months. For one, I miss my grandmother a lot. I feel like a child deprived of her safety blanket, something deep in my subconscious seems to believe that if I could see her now then I would finally be able to sleep, but I know that’s not true. If I flew to Mexico now I wouldn’t come back, and new troubles would just torment my mind. Secretly, guiltily, I wish she hadn’t retired. She didn’t betray you, she didn’t leave you, I keep telling this to the child in the depths of my heart, the bitter me still afraid of the world.
I miss my mother too. My family and my dogs. My introverted nature isn’t helping either, and the occasional free time I have (becoming rarer each day) allows for too much introspection. I just want to relax and feel settled again.
But more than anything right now, I just want to sleep.


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